I never thought I would be this guy, but i wanna share a few (shower) thoughts about slugs. I know, I know… but hear me out!

Now, let me start off by clarifying that snails - the ones with houses on their backs - are totally cool. I’m talking about slugs specifically, you know… the homeless kind.

So what got me thinking about slugs is that they’re fucking badasses. I’m telling you guys, they stop at fucking nothing! Slugs take the whole “the grass is greener”-mindset to the next level! I’m sure everyone can recall at least one time they went outside on a sunny day, and saw all those dried out, hardened, slimy sausage corpses on the sidewalk? Dead slugs! And they died while crossing 6 1/2 feet of pavement. Imagine being a slug for a moment. Imagine you’re a slug enjoying your own little patch of grass… For your tiny slug-body it’s an enormous green realm to call your home. Like, it would take you a week to even reach the other end of that patch. And inside the grass you’re protected. There’s food everywhere growing on the ground. There’s even other slugs to screw around and hang out with… But one day you come across this HUGE, open, unprotected, hot concrete death valley that goes on for MILES! Personally, I imagine slugs being like “Okay: I’m prolly gonna die of dehydration, trying to pass that. I might get run over, or get eaten by a bird. Maybe some random animal is gonna step on me because, you know… I’m moving at 4 inches an hour. But maybe… MAYBE… there’s some more grass on the other side.”

So you just carry on. Straight into death valley, in the middle of the day, and then you die. To be honest, I’m not sure if slugs have no self respect, or if they have all the self respect! They might just be like “Fuck it, that road isn’t telling me my limits!”. Perhaps, slugs have their own hydration-based glass ceiling they are rebelling against. Like, “I’m as capable of crossing pavement as any other critter, no matter how dry it is! - Oh shit is that salt?”

Another tgought: Perhaps we never see the smart slugs who just stay within their boundries. Maybe all the slugs we see dead on the sidewalks are… on the spectrum or something. Maybe they’re all just ‘a little special’ and all their slug-friends would be like “Henry, no! Just stay here in safety, please! You know how you get all confused by traffic noise!” but of course, Henry doesn’t listen. Yes, I know it’s not okay to joke about autistic people. It’s not right to make fun of disabled people either… It’s not their fault that their brains function differently and we should welcome and accept them the way they are, to the best of our abilities. I’m all for that. But by god, if it isn’t okay to joke about autistic slugs!? Like, fuck them! All of them, not just the autistic ones! Who cares?

Okay, let me take this even further: These poor badasses may or may not be autistic slugs, okay? But they’re definitely black slugs - at the very least brownish - technically speaking. And although slugs exist in many different complexions, I have never ever encountered a dead white slug on a sidewalk. Now, what does that say about the black slug demographic? What’s so bad about that one patch of grass that all these ‘slugs of color’ are willing to risk their lives in pursuit for a better life? Like, what’s next? They gonna start kneeling for their national anthem? Nah, that would probably be unpatriotic…

And that, lemmings and gentlemen, is how we get from casually walking down the road to wondering what an outraged redneck slug mob would look like.