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Comment on Breath Taker - A revised version of the Fedipunk story I posted here earlier (based on Feedback now with Fungi-Taylor-Swift, a Moderator character, Fridays for Fungi and MUCH MORE Lemmy-Drama)

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blue_berry@feddit.de ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I’ll be honest, I only made it halfway into the first paragraph. Such as they are, the thin paragraphs coupled with multiple-screens-no-formatting length makes it impossible to follow the text

That’s unfortunate. I will try to fix it. The WriteFreely-Server I used keeps crashing so I switched to Wordpress …

plus at least from the first paragraph it reads like generated AI nonsense.

I wrote it myself :D But its fine. I hoped it would be fun to read.

Is that the point, though? As in, is this my wooooosh-moment? Is this supposed to say that the Fediverse is too difficult to consume and makes no sense at first?

No, it shouldn’t :( It should just be fantasy/magic realism

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sbv@sh.itjust.works ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

I wrote it myself :D But its fine. I hoped it would be fun to read.

Getting someone else to edit it would help. There’s a lot going on in every sentence.

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- blue_berry@feddit.de ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Yeah, probably. So you like the story in general its just too much going on?
  
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Carighan@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Damn, I’m sorry for coming off so negative tbh.

I will try to read more later after work, but some thing I can quickly point out as far as constructive feedback goes, about the formatting/display:

I know this isn’t how you intended to upload it, but the issue in readability I think comes from a combination of:

Font size (it’s too big for the narrow text column).

Column width (it’s too narrow for the length of each paragraph).

Paragraph length (it’s too long for the font size).

You want to ideally get two of those three under control, the third you would leave as desired for effect. For example if you compare most prose when shown on a Tolino or Kindle at default settings, they definitely keep long paragraphs in there, but the font size is smaller and the column wide compared to the height (given how tall these text paragraphs end up given the font size). So once the text size goes down slightly and the column gets wider, the paragraphs naturally no longer “feel” as long as they’d be 60%-80% of a screen, not 150%-200%.

And sorry for not explaining this any better, I have a friend who talks a lot about this but it’s difficult to translate it all into english in my mind while recalling it. 😅
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- blue_berry@feddit.de ⁨7⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Its fine. Better honest feedback than no feedback. Have to see what I can do about the format
  
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