Glad to hear you’re doing better. And near death experience as a teen sounds like a lot, especially if you didn’t get appropriate support after. But philosophizing isn’t the worst thing you could’ve done, in fact please keep doing that. Crash Course to Philosophy is a nice and engaging starting point if you’re interested.

If it is within your means, no reason to not go see a psychiatrist now if you feel there’s something unresolved there. I realize that’s a slightly privileged invitation these days.