I know you’re joking, but I just wanted to point out one of my pet peeves and why your statement would never be released. In all these cases of police harming civilians, the writer (whether it be journalists or the school in this case) always switch to a passive voice.

They never say “we injured them” or even “police deployed chemical weapons.” It’s always the passive voice “pepper spray was deployed.” As if the pepper spray just up and decided to deploy itself, that crazy silly stuff!