Buy womens discount underwear, wash it a lot, make sure to tumble dry as well. When it’s good and “worn” buy cans of mackerel in tomato sauce. Smear some of the sauce in the crotch of the underwear. For a premium product you could not shower for a few days and wear it while buying the fish. Maybe forget to shake before whipping your dick back in.

What am I even doing with an everyday boring job, I should be doing this myself.