fartographer

@fartographer@lemmy.world

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨You can ask any question to the people of year 3000, but can only receive information in the form of a single bit. What's your question?⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Important Announcement⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Sally Struthers?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Praise Be⁩ ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Hey, this coke tastes like Pepsi!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨halal paintball⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Fuck. I guess you’re the one attending paintball with a Claymore.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨We're doing radishes now⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  I just wanted to say good luck, we’re all counting on you.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨2 North American 4 you has been created⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Sure, that’s what the lyrics say. I too know the lyrics. But it sure as shit isn’t what I say when I’m spitting and drooling in my car, trying my damnedest to feel as much like a badass during all of that as I do when SOAD featuring TheFartographer hits “I don’t think you trust…”

  I’m lucky if I even say “fable” instead of accidentally repeating “table.” Or “able.” Or just giving up and selflessly letting Serj take it solo, so that he can have the spotlight for once in front of the audience that is my steering wheel and air vents.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨It Turns Out That When Waymos Are Stumped, They Get Intervention From Workers in the Philippines⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Ancient texts show that robot hoovers did not have a means of intervention

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨2 North American 4 you has been created⁩ ⁨⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Hn mnnu hmnu duh fable

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨The developers of PEAK, explaining how they decided on pricing for their game. ⁩ ⁨⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  Sorry, I meant an extra $70. I was irresponsibly drowsy-posting.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨The developers of PEAK, explaining how they decided on pricing for their game. ⁩ ⁨⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩:

  You just reminded me of a time when $70 felt like nearly unlimited opportunities. Now, $70 means that I might get to buy groceries AND restock on spices.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨CEO of Palantir Says AI Means You’ll Have to Work With Your Hands Like a Peasant⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Maybe they saw too many of us identifying that the biggest problem is the rich, rather than each other, so they’re trying to hide behind a new manufactured enemy.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨A WhatsApp bug lets malicious media files spread through group chats⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  I say this to myself every time that I open Whatsapp to check my family chats

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Elon Musk Is Rolling xAI Into SpaceX—Creating the World’s Most Valuable Private Company⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Cacadillo?! Is that like an armadillo, but poopie???

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Elon Musk Is Rolling xAI Into SpaceX—Creating the World’s Most Valuable Private Company⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  It’s notoriously difficult to cool things in space. This’ll be fun…

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨[deleted]⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  My grandmother’s first language was Spanish and she’d often fall back on it as default, my grandfather would say phrases such as “much grass,” and “hasty banana.”

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I'll take 20⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Stupid UnEmpathicVagrant!

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨When you know your boss is an insane moron⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  That’s why I always CC their supervisor. But usually with fewer direct insults in my request.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨When you know your boss is an insane moron⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Good morning Sharon,

  I apologize for leaving three minutes early yesterday. In my day-to-day, I tend to focus on completing my tasks efficiently and effectively. Labor is the force that turns the gears in our company, and productivity is the grease that makes our labor fruitful. While I spent 7 hours and 57 minutes yesterday ensuring high productivity, unfortunately, I found it difficult to keep track of every minute that passed during my highly effective contributions.

  To my great fortune, you prioritize monitoring clocks. That is your great value-add to this company: you observe the segments of each hour, and provide a human-generated report that cross-references the passively generated output from a clock with identified employees and include a general description of start-stop milestones. Yes, we already have software that features this exact function, and one could argue that you most likely leverage these generated reports to send your findings and summaries to employees who made the same observations during their interactions with the software. But that’s an impressive and unique quality of yours! Where others see plagiarism and redundancy, you’ve strived to prove that persistence and insistence can justify your attendance at this company.

  Others may ask, “What value does that bring?” Or, “How does she still work here?” But they lack the imagination to see your amazing potential! Because you’re known for your expert timekeeping and ability to synthesize truths about value-loss based on arbitrary observations, you must also be able to identify value overages from other such arbitrary observations during your daily efforts to observe the passage of time!

  While you’re obviously busy generating evidence of your value to this company, I ask for your assistance within your area of expertise:

  “Find a way to cover this from one of the days that I accidentally took a short lunch or left late, you useless fuck.”

  Much appreciated,
  TheFartographer

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I'll take 20⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  That’s what happens when you wire from a fixture instead of from a switch.

  It’s so annoying when people do stuff like that. Like that time that someone who looks and sounds just like me wired in a combo switch/outlet off of a heater in my bathroom. You’d think someone would have fixed it by now, but I’ve grown complacent.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I'll take 20⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  I think it’ll actually regrow someone else’s foreskin

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨US committee is reconsidering all vaccine recommendations⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  I’m sure I’m not the first to have this realization, but it suddenly just occurred to me:
  Our forefathers’ predecessors took over this country and destroyed many native nations via disease, such as smallpox. And here we are, defeating ourselves in return with our own diseases.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨It's my toxic trait⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Talking to people or having doctors take care of my ingrown toenails?

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨They're perfect⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  What do you think the horse is for?

  For pooping, silly

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨It's my toxic trait⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Realizing that “winning” doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would when my new acquaintance turns white and said he’s gonna be sick because I was telling him about the time that performed surgery on myself with a Leatherman, and unwittingly tried pulling my ingrown toenail out the side of my toe, and neglected how infected my toe looked a few weeks later, thus giving myself sepsis.

  I’d gotten to the part in the story where an urgent care doctor, seeing me for something unrelated, looked at my multicolor toe and said, “that’s the most infected thing I’ve ever seen.”

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨They're perfect⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Texan here: the phrase is “Relatives is okay.” And then yee your haw and marry your sister…'s horse.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨This kid gets it⁩ ⁨⁨1⁩ ⁨week⁩ ago⁩:

  Vent eye a graham

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I liek tudles⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  All squares are turtles. All circles are turtles. It’s turtles all the way down.

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨I liek tudles⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  I told my dog these jokes and she said, “that’s scute.”

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Your GF has always wanted to know the answer⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  Instructions unclear: pooped on a friend and became a children’s entertainer

• ⁨Comment⁩ on ⁨Imagine the farts⁩ ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago⁩:

  You reminded me of a poem that my cousin recites:

  A fart a fart, it’s good for the heart
  It sets the body at ease

  It will warm up the bed, you can set it alight,
  And it fumigates all of the fleas