Before I delve into this week’s Leftist batshittery, I do want to apologize for going into another immigration piece. I didn’t plan for it, but it just so happened birthright citizenship exploded last week, so I felt it needed some attention. Going forward I will do my best to vary the topics and give my slightly undercooked takes and marginal humor a chance to bore you with more variety.

So until then, let’s dive right in!

Immigration has provided America with a rich tapestry of cultures and traditions because we have opened our arms to so many people throughout the years. Even with this, many immigrants (and recent visitors, for that matter) have grown to love our little country and want to be more like us. As a result, these people assimilate to our culture.

Which Leftists don’t like, yet claim every immigrant assimilates to our country and culture. So, I figured we’re due for a little lesson in assimilation.

assimilation

What the Left thinks it means – what every immigrant does

What it really means – what some immigrants do, but not enough

At the turn of the 20th Century, we had an influx of immigrants looking to start a new life in America. This started a concept called the American melting pot where these multiple cultures came together to make our country stronger.

Well, except for the Irish. They had a slightly less cordial greeting in some sections.

For the most part, America remained a melting pot for generations, with each new one assimilating to our culture while Americans adopted some of the cultural aspects of the old world, as it were. It didn’t mean these new Americans abandoned their old ways; they integrated those ways into the American experience.

Then, somewhere in the late 20th Century, some people got it in their heads that being American wasn’t all that great and that the best way to become an American was to force the people here to adopt your ways. I think it might have been Jerry Lewis. Or Menudo.

Regardless of who started the idea that assimilation wasn’t necessary to be an American, it started the expectation that America would bend over backwards to welcome them. And by expectation, I mean demand. Before you could say “Habla Ingles” we started seeing government documents written in multiple languages, having to press 2 to continue in English, and other signs that the people coming into the country had no interest in assimilating to our country. That’s not just a dick move, but as we’ve seen in the past year or so, it’s becoming deadly.

On the other hand, Americans are expected to assimilate to the norms of foreign countries even when on vacation. And if we don’t, we’re called “ugly Americans.” Speaking as an ugly American, I say I was born looking this way, so back off man!

But more to the point, these foreign countries have a point. Even if it’s for a short period, we should try to blend in as much as we can.

Let’s say I’m moving to France for my retirement. (To the French people reading this, I’m not actually coming, so you don’t have to pull out your surrender flags.) Before I even filled out my change of address card, the very least I would do is learn to speak French. After all, it’s hard to pantomime you have to take a shit without people looking at you funny.

Not that I know anything about that, mind you…

Along with picking up the native language, I would pick up as much of the French and local culture as I could to make sure I could function. Sure, I might still get called an ugly American, but at least I made the effort.

Is that so much to ask of people coming to America?

Apparently it is because to many (especially on the Left) adapting your original culture in favor of the American culture is betrayal. And the Left is more than willing to enable you to defy norms (and not just the guy from “Cheers” or the late Mr. Macdonald). After all, your culture is bound to be better than ours right?

Not so much.

For all of its faults, America is the place to be. I don’t see too many people trying to escape America to head to Cuba, CODEPINK notwithstanding. And let’s face it, those who would are dumbasses, so we would actually gain by losing. The only downside is Cuba may haul us before The Hague for war crimes by sending too many dumbass Leftists (but I repeat myself) to their country.

If we want more immigrants to want to assimilate, we have to lean into the fact America is pretty awesome. So, maybe we make some changes to the current immigration policy, which makes less sense than a Kamala Harris speech.

I’m not big on loyalty oaths, but I am big on Ameri-countability Buddies! That’s right, kids, every immigrant gets an America to keep tabs on them to acclimate our new proto-Americans to what we have to offer. This will be a 12 month commitment, but it’s essential to help them go from new kid in town to pure 100% USDA grade A Murkan.

The Ameri-countability Buddy will work with the immigrants to help them get on their feet with mastering the language, or at least getting them to the point they can hold a longer conversation than “I’ll take a #5 Burger Meal with a Coke.” Within that 12 months, the Ameri-countability Buddy will help the new immigrants find gainful employment, a home of their own, how to find and utilize civic and mercantile entities, and give them a sense of what is means to be American.

But it’s not all work! Once a month, the immigrant and the Ameri-countability Buddy get to go to a quintessentially American experience. Like monster truck rallies. Of course, we’ll kick in a few bucks to help things along because Murka. There will be opportunities for cross-cultural exchanges because assimilation requires a willingness on both sides of the ledger to share joy, company, and food.

So how does one become an Ameri-countabilty Buddy? It’s simple. You have to meet a few conditions.

1. You must love America.
2. You can’t be a Leftist. (Although I’m pretty sure number 1 would weed out most of them.)
3. You must be willing to open your home to an immigrant.

As far as the immigrants are concerned, we have a few conditions as well.

1. You must want to be an American.
2. No criminal behavior or you get a ride in the Deportation Catapult with a helmet, pads, and a pillow.
3. You must be willing to share your culture with us while adopting ours in the process.

Pretty simple, really. This is only a rough draft at this point (mainly because we’re still trying to get the patent on the Deportation Catapult), but it’s a good start.

Look, I know assimilation is a hard road, but if you’re driven to become an American, it’s worth it. We have people on waiting lists around the world wanting to live here even for a couple of years. If that doesn’t tell you how awesome America is as a country, nothing will.

Plus, we kick ass when it comes to fast food.