Hello again folks! Since nothing has really piqued my interest this week and everything I could talk about I’ve beaten to death so much I’d have to hire a necromancer to bring it back, I decided to dive into the mailbag and see what my tens and tens of fans have to say.

Dear Thomas, why do you pick on Leftists so much? Surely, there are people on the Right who deserve your scorn.

There are, and when the need arises, I pull no punches for the Right. But more to the point, the Left are the ones doing and saying the stupid shit, so they get my attention. Think of it like this. What are you going to pay attention to more, a single sparkler or a massive fireworks display in the sky?

Things are really getting chippy out there. How close do you think we are to another civil war?

Heavy question, but one worth exploring. I’ve felt we’ve been heading down the civil war road for the better part of a decade, mainly because there are people on both sides of the equation more than willing to take up arms against their enemies, perceived or otherwise. As long as violence is on the table for either side, civil war is never off the table.

Are you MAGA or not? I can never tell from your writing.

I am not MAGA in the sense I follow President Trump on everything he does. When he does well, I acknowledge it. When he fucks up, I also acknowledge it. To me, Make America Great Again is far bigger than Trump or his supporters. It’s a mindset. Even when President Brick Tamland and Queen Kamala the Appointed were running things, I never wanted America to fail; I wanted it to be as good as it could be. The best I can say is I’m MAGS-adjasent if for no other reason than Leftists always say I’m MAGA in lieu of arguing the points I make.

And speaking of Leftist dipshits…

Trump is a proven pedophile rapist who is destroying the country and installing his fascist regime with the help of Russia and Israel. How can you support a pedophile rapist loser like Trump?

Simple. Because it pisses off people like you. Your side is frothing at the mouth over anything Trump does, so if there is any way for me to tweak you in the nose to get you to keep frothing, I’m going to do it and back up whatever I say with facts and logic. Oh, and switch to decaf.

What are your thoughts on the war with Iran?

The war with Iran is both a war of choice and a war that was destined to happen at some point. We have let Iran slide on a lot of shit for almost 50 years with Democrat and Republican Presidents. Trump pulled what Ronald Reagan did with the now-former Soviet Union: he called their bluff. Unlike Reagan, Trump had to use military force to drive the point (and more than a few bombs) home. The issue is how we proceed. We haven’t done the best job in securing the Strait of Hormuz, and we’re still pussyfooting around with whether we go full bore attack mode or if we’re happy with attacking in dribs and drabs. The Iranian people want freedom by and large, but they are either still afraid of the current regime or incapable of taking on the task themselves. Either way, it’s becoming evident we have to shit or get off the pot.

We have been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

And I’ve been ignoring you because you keep trying to reach me. Moving on…

Is transphobia a thing?

It is, but it’s not nearly as widespread as those with a vested interest in there being a lot of it want us to believe. Really, it comes down to the “ick factor” for me. If you’re trans and you just want to live your life, good on ya! You’ll get no pushback from me. If you’re someone like Lily Tino? Get the fuck outta here! You’re just making things worse for trans people across the board by being creepy motherfuckers. But saying we don’t agree with you being creepy motherfuckers isn’t transphobia. It’s creepy-motherfucker-phobia.

The officiating in the WNBA sucks balls. What would you do to fix it?

I am toying with the idea of doing an Extremist Makeover – WNBA Edition or redoing it depending on whether I did one in the first place. Not to tip my hand too much, I would start with finding referees who know the damn rules. No matter whether it’s a player I like or don’t like, no player should be subjected to clotheslines, eye pokes, eye rakes, tripping, elbows to the chest area and above, and, oh yeah, fucking choking. Stevie Wonder could make more accurate calls than these refs, and he’s a pianist! (Thought I was going for the blind joke, huh?) More to come.

I’m a young conservative, but I’m afraid to speak out because of what Leftists would do to me. What would you suggest?

Be your true self, even if the rest of your peers might not agree. The real people will respect you for staying true to yourself and your ideology. The fake ones will peel off faster than a driver in a Fast and Furious movie. It’s going to be rough, but you’re better off being real than pretending to be something you’re not. Besides, if your peers hate you for being conservative, it’s a them problem, not a you problem.

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?

The best piece of advice I’ve ever gotten is from Ayn Rand: “Check your premise.” When I think I know the answer to something for a witty retort or a lame attempt at a joke, I always look into it further to see whether I’m on the right track or just following the prevailing idea. Sometimes my gut instinct is right, and other times it’s wrong and I adjust my thinking and approach accordingly. You know, the exact opposite of what Leftists do?

You were so sure Zohran Mamdani was going to suck as Mayor of New York City, but he’s doing great things! When are you going to admit you were wrong?

First off, I wished him the best of luck when he was elected while acknowledging his ideology doesn’t actually work. And since then, I still wish him well. And I’ve been right about his ideology not actually working. His budget got “balanced” thanks to an inflow of money from…New York State. Or more specifically, New York taxpayers. He’s causing more economic chaos in less than a year than Karl Marx did with Das Kapital, a book you can buy from Amazon, I might add. Give him time, though. He’s only begun to fuck shit up.

Where do you think President Trump will land on the list of best Presidents?

That’s a good question! Most of our recent Presidents (and by recent I mean since 2000) have been mediocre and that’s being verrrrrrrrrry generous. To me, Trump is ahead of the rest of the pack if only because the previous ones sucked so badly. Along a longer timeline, though, he’s in the B to C tier for me. He’s done some good things, some stupid things, and some head-shakingly bizarre things. Your mileage may vary.

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Weird question, but I’ll field it. I’d say an oak because of deez nuts!

Why do people still think climate change is a thing?

It’s a multi-tiered reason. First, Leftists can’t admit they’re wrong about anything, no matter what the facts, history, and common sense think. Second, the Left doesn’t know shit about science, which is ironic given how often they said “trust the science” during COVID. Third, they’re dumb fucks. Fourth, they’re really dumb fucks. And fifth, did I mention they were dumb fucks?

Hey, Thomas. Long time reader, first time writer. You’ve talked about your political and comedy influences, but who are your literary influences?

Great question! I’m a big fan of cutting through the bullshit to get to the truth. That puts me in the camp of Ernest Hemingway and Mark Twain. On the more creative storytelling side, I lean towards Edgar Allen Poe. For absurdist yet clever humor, I go with Douglas Adams. But I’m always on the lookout for great writers!

I wanted to let you know your test results are in and it’s not good news. You have come down with…

Well, that’s all the time we have for the mailbag. Join me next week for more fun!