THE HEAVENS—Noting that the change would take effect immediately for all 8.2 billion of His earthly creations, God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that cutting hair would hurt now. “Going forward, cutting any hair on your body, from your head to your pubic region, will result in excruciating agony unlike anything you’ve ever experienced,” said […] The post [God Announces Cutting Hair Will Hurt Now](https://theonion.com/god-announces-cutting-hair-will-hurt-now/) appeared first on [The Onion](https://theonion.com).