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• Hobbes@startrek.website ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  I didn’t fight for him. I didn’t even try. When I called his oncology doctor and left a message, I heard back from a nurse and got no information. And further, the nurse said tzxhat the doctor doesn’t speak with family of patients and wouldn’t be calling me back. I should have taken my rage at that obviously fucked response and done something, whether it be forcing him to talk to me, or finding another oncologist. But I didn’t. I just receded into myself and did nothing. Every single day I drove to the hospital over and over again, I’d pull over and cry before I got there. But I was so paralyzed by my fear about what was happening that I didn’t turn it into action. I just asked for a nicer chair in the hospital room so I could hang out for hours on end with my dad as he died. He would have done everything in his power to help me, and for some reason I was such a scared little shit that I didn’t think to become the caretaker of my dad, who was always my caretaker. He needed me and I failed him.

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  • ValueSubtracted@startrek.website ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss.

    Secondly, you knew he was receiving care from trained experts. And you showed up to be with him, which is a hell of a lot more than some people would be able to do.

    In my experience, when it comes to the death of a loved one, there will always - always - be regrets of this nature. You’ll always be searching for the thing you could have done differently, or the thing you did “wrong.” It takes a long time to get to, “I think I can live with it.”

    Or, to mix episodes, it is possible commit no mistakes and still lose.

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