It’s really more of a matter of the fact that the type of men that do approach me when I’d otherwise want to be left alone are a problem. I understand that there are plenty of guys who aren’t like that, but I experience a disproportionately large amount of…not so great men. It’s usually incredibly easy to tell if someone is genuinely complimenting me, or if they’re just trying to get in my pants there. There are so many micro expressions that give it away. And to be frank, if someone seemed nervous and approached me respectfully, I’d usually be quite nice in return, granted that they don’t check an item off my list of no-nos. It’s not men who have good intentions that piss me off, and I realized after posting that initial comment that this post is in a community that doesn’t have much of the same context I’m used to. If I posted that in a women’s space (which is usually where I’m found), other women would know exactly who I’m talking about without me having to clarify.
I think there’s a lot to be said about the issue of overthinking in the way you seem to be. The real enemy here is toxic masculinity that pushes a misogynistic agenda, it isn’t just men. It’s a specific social construct that is used to indoctrinate men. I feel bad for those who feel as if simply the act of being a man is something to be ashamed of. You can be a man and be a good person; the two aren’t mutually exclusive. I do, despite my ranting, know good men that I talk with regularly and get along with just fine. And someone approaching me with more wholesome intentions is not gonna get the horns, so to speak.
I do want to bring one thing up though. As a woman, it is fatiguing to have misogynistic assholes come up to you out of the blue. And the fact that it happens as often as it does makes it harder to feel optimistic about being approached by a man. There is a massive problem currently with gender division/exclusion. It’s based upon the fact that humans tend to generalize people so much. That’s motivated by our experiences, as our brains love to search for patterns in behaviors. Which means that when we experience one negative thing a lot, it becomes easy to “throw out the baby with the bathwater”, so to speak. I have no intention of leaving men as a whole out to dry, but I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of hostility there. I think the problem that we have, perhaps one of the biggest problems with society right now, is a lack of empathy. Which, if you’ve caught on, is exactly what toxic masculinity pushes. But women’s exposure to that toxic masculinity pushes it, too. We need some serious societal change to happen in order to even begin fixing these problems. And that change isn’t just going to come from women. It has to come from men who understand the atrocity of misogyny and toxic masculinity, too. After all, if men keep pushing for toxic masculinity, and keep accepting it, then the problem will only continue to get worse.
I also want to make myself clear: if you choose to compliment a woman, like by complimenting her hair, for instance, body language is incredibly important. The difference between someone who is genuinely complimenting me and someone who is trying to get in my pants is usually very obvious. And I think it’s very important not to simply make a show of complimenting a woman, regardless of what you say. What I mean by this is, have a normal conversation with her. Ask her (appropriate) things about herself, get to know her, compliment the things that matter in ways that show you see her as a person, and do so as part of a larger conversation (maybe it’s just me, but I don’t consider a conversation “normal” if someone is doing nothing but showering me in compliments; that feels weird, even if they’re genuine). You’ll have a much better chance of getting asked for coffee (or her accepting your request) if she feels like you care about her as a person. Now, I don’t have advice for one night stands, I just don’t do that and I don’t know how to play that game at all. I mean, technically, I do as a lesbian, but we flirt very differently. But I have a feeling that you aren’t angling at that anyway.
Tbh, I understand feeling like “other people do it better than you”. But what matters to me is someone’s personality. It isn’t just “they’re so good at this thing or that”, it’s “wow, we really play off each other well and kinda just fit together”. I don’t just approach the most attractive woman in the room, for instance. I’m much more drawn to people who give off the vibes I like to be around, and I have a sneaking suspicion that isn’t just a lesbian thing. Which is exactly why I prefer to just get to know someone rather than play the game of who can compliment the other person more. Romantic interest for me has very little to do with looks, or unique skills, or whatever shallow thing people might brag about themselves. It has much more to do with who a person is inside, and if that fits my own personality well. What kinds of things do they like? What kinds of opinions do they have? Where do they take the conversation, and how do they play off what I say? I don’t know if I’m in the minority there, but for me, that means anyone can really be an option. Someone doesn’t need to be the best at something, they just need to be themselves, and when they are, that tells me if we’d work.
I don’t have advice for you on how to get out there and meet people, because my main way of doing that is all queer-oriented activities. It’s much easier to find my people when I’m literally surrounded by them. But I guess, the same would apply to hobby activities? You can meet likeminded people who you have a better chance of getting along with just by doing something you both like together. What I’d caution against doing is going up to random people in a bar (unless you’re looking for a one night stand? Idk the rules there, but I mean, I’m not in that game to begin with) or on the street, or in any place where people are just running errands or getting through their day. People are much more open to talking with others when they’re doing something they’re passionate about (and you’re also interested in).
Anyway, TL;DR: I don’t mean to imply that all men are like the ones that come up to me and make me uncomfortable. There are some real societal issues pushing the divide between genders, one of great prominence being toxic masculinity (and by extension misogyny). I don’t really have a solution to that problem, so I cope with it in the best way I can for my own mental health. It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling ashamed of your own gender, and I get that, but it’s not you that’s the problem. And I don’t think that it’s pointless to try meeting new people, it’s just harder these days to do that organically, so you’ve gotta find ways to find other likeminded people who are looking to meet others.
Filetternavn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 hours ago
Also, wanna just apologize, I was a lot more defensive than I needed to be because there was a misunderstanding of what I meant. I’m so used to misogyny being perpetuated that I immediately get defensive when I feel like that’s what’s happening. I could have been more clear in my initial comment about what I meant, and a bit less aggressive in my follow-up. I just get heated about these topics, and I think we both made some assumptions about what the other meant that caused a little bit of a misunderstanding.