Folks, we have the most INCREDIBLE announcement today. Maybe the best announcement in the history of announcements, many people are saying it. We’re launching the beautiful, tremendous Maxest app — and let me tell you, it’s going to be HUGE!

This fantastic app — and by the way, it was my idea, nobody else could have thought of this — will come pre-installed on every phone. The fake news media will try to tell you it’s some kind of “spy app” - WRONG! Totally wrong!

The app will help you in so many ways: weather alerts, traffic updates, finding the best hamburgers in your area. It’s all about making life more convenient! The Democrats don’t want you to have this amazing technology. They want you to stay uninformed! But we’re giving you the most beautiful, most secure app ever created. Our cyber experts — the best in the world, probably the best who have ever lived — they built walls around this app.

Other countries will be so jealous of our app, they’ll probably try to steal it. But they can’t, because it’s AMERICAN MADE!