I know I’m stepping into it with this one, but the meaning of social “cancellation” has gotten confused. It grew out of the MeToo movement, and putting aside its use as a rhetorical bludgeon, it’s come to mean a couple different things. I’d like to sort through that confusion and get to the heart of the matter, which is helping survivors of trauma.
Lest we forget, MeToo emerged because of sexual trauma. A large number of people in powerful positions were, and are, causing enormous harm to their fellow humans by raping, assaulting, or abusing them. This should go without saying, but as a therapist I can attest to the tremendous psychological and physical harm these experiences cause. Lives can quite literally be destroyed.
By speaking up, survivors and their allies were using their most powerful tool, because the way to get to a public figure is through public opinion. I’m not looking to insert myself into any political or cultural battle here, though maybe that’s unavoidable. What I’m hoping is add my voice in support of the many survivors of sexual trauma, and offer my thoughts about what public actions do (and don’t) hopefully help those folks most.
In Case You Didn’t Know, Sexual Trauma Is Everywhere
I didn’t enter psychology with an interest in trauma. Trauma found me, particularly sexual trauma. From my very first training placement, upwards of half the women I sat down with had stories about sexual assault or abuse in their histories.
As a man with no prior experience in this area, I was shocked. I knew I’d hear those stories, but I had no idea how often. For every client seeking therapy to heal their trauma, there were two or three or four other women in therapy for completely different reasons, and the trauma was just part of their history. Nor are men immune; I’ve heard plenty of male clients’ stories of sexual trauma too.
It happens everywhere. The statistics you hear about sexual violence are not hyperbole. A great many people have experienced it and sadly, the vast majority (but not all) of perpetrators are men.
I say sadly because I’m a man, and I find it so difficult to understand. The idea of violating another person in this way truly feels unfathomable to me, and always has. I’m not looking for a pat on the back here; I write that because it should be how everyone feels. But that’s not the reality we live in.
Which brings us to...what? What does “canceling” someone even mean? If we stay with reactions to sexual trauma, I see two definitions:
Removal of a public figure and their art, words, performances, etc. from the public square because they have caused harm. This is typically done by cultural consensus (or, some would argue, pressure), which influences micro-decisions made by entities like media production companies and content platforms.
Punishing or ostracizing an individual by removing them from a work environment or social group in which they’ve caused harm. This decision can come from an authority figure/figures within that group, or by group majority/consensus. The ostracized person typically also faces some sort of public shaming or similar.
These two things have been confused and conflated over the past several years, to our detriment.
Number 1—The Problem of Problematic Artists
Personally, I can’t enjoy contemporary artwork made by abusers. That’s informed by my experience treating trauma survivors. Once I know about the abuse, I can’t un-see it. The work gets tainted for me too, and all the more so if it reflects the bad behavior in some way.
Imagine, for instance, a talented contemporary singer-songwriter, some of whose songs deal with forbidden attraction to alluring young women (this isn’t based on a real person). Maybe those songs seem edgy and exciting. Now imagine several women come forward and accuse him of sexually assaulting them when they were underage.
How would you keep engaging with the work, knowing that? I certainly wouldn’t be able to. I would feel disgusted. Unfortunately, many such people deny and discredit their accusers, which brings us everyday folks into the dicey realm of judgment calls. Well, I tend to believe survivors. My experience as a therapist, working with those folks, tells me that when these stories are fabricated, they stink to high heaven.
So if you’re going to keep engaging with these artists, be honest about who they are. Don’t lie to yourself for the sake of preserving your idea of someone you’ve never met. If you’re ok separating the art from the artist, fine. But lying to yourself is not separating them; its a defensive response when the accusations do, in fact, get under your skin.
History is rife with examples of terrible people who did great things, or made great art. A classical musician I know has pointed out that many famous composers belong on that list. Should their works be discarded? But I see a major difference here, which is their victims aren’t still walking around today.
In my example, the women harmed by that hypothetical singer are still alive. Imagine what they would feel when they see his name on an album release poster, or a theater marquee. Of course, good therapy can make that much more tolerable, which every trauma survivor deserves. The trauma can’t be undone, it must be healed. But that puts an enormous burden of work, and emotional strain, on survivors. Maybe they deserve a world that doesn’t regularly confront them with the faces of their abusers in benign public spaces.
Number 2—What About Accountability?
Now, this is where things get even murkier. By deplatforming someone and removing them from the public square, you de facto punish them. That’s the nature of the beast. Whether or not a famous abuser takes responsibility, the public knowledge follows them. This doesn’t solve the social problem by any means, but it’s very valuable information for anyone those people try to victimize in the future.
It gets a lot more complicated with private individuals. When someone sexually harasses their coworkers and gets fired, what’s the employer’s motive? The employer can argue they’re protecting their employees, which is true. This is absolutely the first and most important goal. But in isolation, it amounts to a “cover your ass” response, and nothing more. Worse, it might actually impede real accountability, since private individuals remain anonymous to the broader public.
Much as I want those employees to be protected, I want all people to be protected. A harasser can turn around, enter some other social environment, and keep doing the same shit! Then what have we accomplished? This is where “cancellation” fails to address the real problem, and can even perpetuate it, by taking away one of the best incentives for predators to change their behavior: accountability in lasting relationships.
We need a paradigm for actively addressing harm and interrupting these patterns of abuse. There are some, like restorative justice, that can be great when they are genuinely implemented in systemic ways. And truly, people who do bad things can grow and change. But shaming and punishing someone is just about the worst way to make that happen, as any parent of teenagers can tell you.
As a therapist, I’ve worked with far more survivors than perpetrators. But that’s a blurry line too, because abusers were often victims themselves. Trauma begets trauma, especially among men. (Family therapist Terrence Real describes this brilliantly in I Don’t Want to Talk About It.) The goal then, I would hope, is for everyone to heal, and for the harm to STOP. Right now, we’re falling short.
The desire for revenge, against one who’s done something so heinous, is more than understandable. But as I’ve counseled many clients (at the appropriate times), it ultimately prevents true healing. Dr. King said, “‘An eye for an eye’ leaves everybody blind,” which I’ll follow with Marcus Aurelius, “The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
Let me clear. Boundaries are essential. I’ll say again, the first step in response to harm is always to separate the abuser from actual and potential victims, and attend to the needs of survivors. Which, of course, is where I come in. But it breaks my heart to see these patterns perpetuated, and vanishingly little real effort made as a society to break them in an enduring way.
Text and Photograph © 2026 Philip Bender
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