I havent slept in a whole day. i had an important meeting today, well. since it passed 12 i should say yesterday. but anyway, it was very important, actually. and i managed to make a complete idiot out of myself in front of hundreds of people. which is obviously impressive. if you think about it. some people spend years building a reputation, and i just needed one afternoon to destroy whatever little reputation i had. i stood there, stuttering like an idiot, trying to remember what the hell i was supposed to say. i knew what i wanted to say. i knew my own damn words until i had to open my mouth and say them in front of people. then nothing. absolutely nothing. my mind went blank, my mouth stopped working and there i was, standing in front of people with the intellectual capacity of a broken toaster. so i went quiet. then left. i know, very very professional of me. i didnt know what happened after that, i mean, i know what happened. the meeting continued, people went home, ate their dinners lunchs whatever, complained about traffic and carried on with their lives. thats what they do every day. they have their own little lives to worry about. nobody is going to spend the evening thinking about ahmed and his inability to put a sentence together. yet here i am, still thinking about it at five in the morning. the meeting was important to me. that what makes it so irritating. i actually cared about that damn meeting because i wouldve had a lot of opportunities. i wanted it to go well. i wanted to walk out of there feeling like id done something right for once. instead, i walked out wondering if theres a polite way to throw yourself into the sea without inconveniencing anyone. i havent done anything useful ever since. i just been sitting around, quiet. not knowing what to do with myself. i keep remembering that moment. the silence. the stupid stuttering. the fact that i couldnt even get the words out. i want to stop thinking about it. yet my brain has decided this is the most important event in human history and i must. i must review it every five minutes.
i should probably sleep, and i shouldve probably slept. ive been awake for over twenty four hours, and thats was enough to turn a grown man into a malfunctioning ofice printer. but i dont even know if sleep is going to fix the fact that i made a complete mess of something that mattered to me. but anyway, i dont have a conclusion. i dont have some clever little lesson for you about failure or how today is another day. thats all you get without a single lesson. you know why im here.
Sincerely, let me be irritated in peace.