I havent been writing much lately. i dont have anything worth writing about, but that never really been a requirement here. ive written about considerably stupider things, the problem is that ive started noticing a pattern, a pattern i dont really like. i noticed that i only seem to come here when i have something to say. which i guess. is reasonable until you realize I rarely have anything to say unless theres nobody around to listen to it. i dont sit down because i feel like writing anymore. i sit down because something’s bothering me, or ive got some thought i want to get rid of and theres nobody id like to bother with. so i come here, complain for a while, sign it with something that has nothing to do with the whole complaint, and act like ive accomplished something and then leave. A very charming arrangement. i get to treat writing like a rubbish bin and pretend that im a writer. i think its a little selfish. not that this place has feelings, i just dont like the idea of only showing up when i need something. then again, im not sure what the alternative is supposed to look like. writing about the weather? my lunch? the fact that someone at work said something stupid and i had to spend a couple minutes pretending not to noice? ive done all those things. perhaps i should start documenting the slow decline of a man who has absolutely nothing better to do. anyway, ive been thinking about something new. people. ive been thinking about people lately. ive realized something. i dont think people always avoid me as much as i thought they did. sometimes i think im the one who makes a mess of things. not sometimes, most of the time. ill meet someone and then we’ll get along, we’ll talk and talk, and for a while ill actually enjoy having them around. then, for whatever reason, something in me changes. i get this feeling that i dont want to do it anymore. i dont want to keep talking to them i dont want to keep making room for another person in my life, and id rather just leave the whole thing alone. so i do, or i start doing it, anyway. i become less available, less interested, or whatever else a person does when they’re trying to quietly get out of something without having to explain temselves. then, eventually, i want someone to talk to. and there i am again. it is a stupid cycle. i dont know why i do it. i dont even have an interesting explanation for it. i just know that i cant want people around and then, when they’re actually around, i find myself wanting them gone. its.. contradictory. i know. you dont have to tell me that, ive been living with the idiot responsible for it. and while this idiot takes responsibility for that, i cant really decide whether im being unfair to other people or just making things unnecessarily diffcult for myself. and before you say it. i know its probably both. im quite capable of managing two inconveniences at once. i think im messy. i dont have to explain myself any further. just messy. is the word of today. we can all go home now. but before you do. lately, ive been feeling strange in other ways, not just those two issues. these heavy moods keep coming and going, and im getting tired of them. not sad enough to have a reason to complain and not angry enough to justify being an ass about everything, just. off, id say. everything feels heavier than it needs to. my own feelings, other peoples feelings the things people say and the things they dont. i seem to notice all of it lately. and i dont remember being this bothered by it before. i used to think i was fairly good at ignoring that sort of things. not just ignoring but not even caring to think about it. now i find myself paying attention to things id rather not think about in the first place. how i feel, how others feel how this how that how that. i just dont remember being this bothered by it before. and its just exhausting.id perfer to go back to being irritated by ordinary things. at least. ill have something straightforward and not difficult to deal with.

im not goin to make a whole thing out of it. i dont know whats changed, and im not interested in spending the next hour trying to sound profound about it. im tired. thats the most accurate description i can offer at the moment. besides, i dont think im as sick as i used to be. whatever that means. thats why ive been… hmm. quieter, maybe. perhaps i have fewer things to complain about, or maybe ive simply become boring enough to run out of it. we’ll see. maybe tomorrow, ill have something to say about work. someone will do something stupid, ill have an opinion about it, and we can alll return to business as usual.

That would be nice.

Sincerely, Who will probably complain again tomrrow.