“What goes around comes around.” Now, the question. does that quote mean anything? No, i just thought it would be funny to throw something unnecessarily profound at the beginning and then admit i have no idea what im talking about. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about my mother lately, i havent visited her grave in some time. long enough that admitting it feels worse than actually counting the days. i tell myself ill go soon, then days become weeks. weeks become another month, another excuse. its weird how easy it is to avoid a place when you know exactly what you’ll feel once you get there. And then there are the dreams. for gods sake, leave me alone. i already sleep like ive been left halfway through something interesting with these wrist restrainers and a broken door. which doesnt sound pleasant to begin with. my dreams, naturally, have decided to make it worse. sometimes they feel so real that i wake up and have to sit there for a while, trying to figure out which part actually happened and which parts my brain decided would be a fun little extension, because it had nothing better to do. there are times where i have to make a guess. No, not remember. Guess. was that a dream? did i actually say that? did i actually see her? was that a memory? or was my mind just bored enough to manufacture an entire little world and then leave me to deal with it when i woke up? they are convincing. my dreams dont always feel like dreams. they feel like memories that haven’t happened yet or memories that never happened at all. sometimes i wake up carrying the emotion of something that doesnt exist, and somehow the emotion still feels completely real. whatever, thats funny to talk about. i guess ill always fall for my own “tricks”.
Thats enough for today, enough thoughts, enough complaints, i need a cigarette.
Sincerely, Barely trusting my own memory.