As If Nothing Happend

I wrote about My Housemate last night. i usually dont write twice in the same day. some thoughts are better left unsaid, or at least kept somewhere they cant bother anyone else. But lets make an exception for today, congrats on seeing me twice. and if it not then Hello. i suppose. I think im not as cold as i used to be. and that bothers me. there was a time when i could convince myself that i didnt care about anything, and i didnt need someone to care either. i was good at it, believe it or not. if something happened, i get annoyed, sure. but i moved on easily. if someone needed me, i helped if i felt like it, and if i didnt, well… unfortunate. But lately, im realizing that maybe i wasnt as heartless as i thought i was or maybe i simply stopped being good at pretending. and this morning proved that much. i was already crasing out over that nightmare i had. i woke up terrified and had to deal with the aftermath of it twice before i could even properly settle down again. for a while, i felt like something was wrong with me. like i was possessed, or something had followed me out of the dream. ill never know for sure, im disappointly ill in the head, thats a much more boring explanation to put out. anyways, i needed to talk to someone, i needed to talk to her. while, maybe i sounded idiotic. i was scared. worried. overthinking everything. probably asking for reassurance in the least dignified way possible. but i wasnt really looking for some grand solution. i just wanted someone there while i calmed down. she was gentle at first, soft and sweet. then she told me she was reading. and i dont know why that bothered me as much as it did. its not like she did anything horrible. she wasnt obligated to drop everything for me. she wasnt required to sit there and fix whatever was happening in my head. but i was trying so hard to keep a conversation going because i needed something to hold onto. and there i go, asking my stupid question if she was busy, and she was reading. somehow, that made the whole thing feel incredibly unimportant. maybe thats unfair, or it was just terrible timing. but when she needed ressurance, i try my best to do so, while i cant always be the perfect human being, i dont sit there doing something else while she tries to keep herself together. so when i needed that same thing and it felt like i was interrupting something more important, it hurt. i could do the same thing to her, i suppose. i could act so sweet and careless. and tell myself that if she can do it, then i can as well. except i probably wont. and while you can call me pathetic im still painfully soft when it comes to her, i hate it sometimes. i told her it was fine, that we could talk later. and that was basically it. she said okay, i dont know what i expected. maybe i expected her to notice that it wasnt fine, or that i wanted her to ask me to stay, or maybe I just wanted to feel like i wasnt completely useless in that moment. intead, i went quiet and sat with it. and then i started thinking about the dream again. her being distant. careless. almost disgusted with me. i dont know, maybe my brain is finding new ways to be unpleasant. either way, i think ive learned something rather irritating about myself. im not as careless as i thought i was, im not as soulless as i used to be. and i guess i still have enough feelings left to be bothered when someone makes me feel unimportant. great. wonderful. almost preferred myself when i didnt care. i think i should stop talking to her about things like this. probably wont, but perhaps when something happens, I’ll keep it to myself. when something stresses me out, ill deal with it until i cant anymore. That sounds healthier, probably isnt. but at least i wont have to sit here wondering whether i mattered enough to interrupt someones reading. so there. problem solved. anyways, enough of that. im not going to sit here dissecting a conversation that probably meant nothing to the other person while somehow managing to turn it into a two hour investigation in my own head. ill just pretend im still the same miserable person i was supposed to be and carry on with my life. much easier. much less embarrassing. anyways, back to whatever i was doing. i need tea. i think i left the kettle sitting there for far too long again, which means its probably cold by now. i dont understand how something i make every day continues to defeat me. you’d think after all these years i have mastered the complicated process of putting water in a kettle and remembering that i put it there. maybe not. maybe ill make coffee instead. No, tea. Definitely tea. ill probably put on something stupid on the television, sit somewhere comfortable, or maybe play games and spend the rest of the night pretending none of this happend. and if i thought of it again. ill simply think about something else.

I’ll just sit, and wonder about other normal things to distract me. just tea, and an increasingly impressive ability to avoid my own problems. I think I’m getting better at this again.

Sincerely, A man who surely has nothing to be upset about.