I had a dream today. a nice one, actually, but only for about five minutes. we got married, not somewhere ordinary either. a castle, a pretty one. a place rich people rent because normal buildings isn’t dramatic enough. it was really beautiful ill admit that. stone everywhere, high ceilings, light coming through the window. i remember walking towards her, angel. she looked. i dont know, there arent enough words for that part, or too many words i cant put together. i just remember stopping for a second because she didnt even look real. like someone had accidentally put an angel in the wrong room, she just looked. majestic. she smiled. i reached for her face. i remember crying before i even spoke. which is embarrassing considering i was unconscious and still somehow managed to lose composure. and suddently. out of nowhere, my hands, they werent hands anymore. they started falling apart into maggots. no blood in between, no cuts. just worms, hundreds of them. then my arms, then the rest of me, everything. like my whole body had already died and nobody had bothered telling me. it wasnt strange that i was falling apart. angel was strange. she didnt scream, she didnt panic either, she just looked at me, disgust. ive seen that dream before, worms. In different ways, usually the people i love become the dead ones. they rot, they become the maggots. this time, it was me. and she stayed exactly the same, she didnt even try to help, as if i was nobody, she just looked at me like i had become something filthy. the warmth disappeared from her eyes so quickly i remember that more clearly than the maggots themselves. then i woke up, sweating as always, breathing like I’d forgotten how. same routine as always, i went to work. bad day, nothing special happend, i just couldnt stop thinking about the dream. every quiet moment my head decided to replay it. then replay it again, then ask me twenty questions it already knew i couldnt answer. if this, if that, what if. why, just pointless thoughts. angel texted me today, she was happy. i dont know how to explain it without sounding ridiculous, but she seemed brighter. happy in a way that makes you forget whatever you were about to complain about. i almost told her about the dream. then i thought maybe she deserved to stay happy for one afternoon, one evening. she needed to sleep anyway, so thats fine. ill keep the dream, ill keep the bad day, ill kep the jealousy from something i wish i hadn’t noticed. ill keep my thoughts, thats what i thought i was good at, im clearly not, otherwise i wouldnt be writing about it. but anyway, hopefully tomorrow gives me something less dramatic to complain about.
Or maybe my wrist restraints have started controlling my dreams now. at this point i wouldnt even argue with the diagnosis. they already keep me from scratching myself awake, might as well start directing the nightly entertainment too.
Sincerely, Perhaps i should stop sleeping.