This has always been my favorite time of year. Well into autumn, with wonderful, brisk mornings; the landscape as gorgeous as the atmosphere is whimsical. I find myself always perking up when I see the way folks get into the spirit with decorating, and dressing up too, but this year simply met a wall for me. Each week, I found myself repeatedly not bother to do even simple things to be festive: putting up lights, making art, or even throwing on a t-shirt. The desire wasn't gone necessarily, but it was no match for the weeks of apathy I've been stuck in. Perhaps it's begun to weigh on me that things will never be how they used to, and the reasons I came to love it most aren't with me anymore. Perhaps my mind is too stuck in the hell of endless alarm bells from current events. Whatever the cause, I know the desire is still there, because the want to enjoy this time of year has been nagging me, with increasing urgency as October draws to a close.
My fondest memories are late night celebrations with close friends, costumes abound and drinks in hand—with stories around the firepit. They were the mornings after, enjoying scenic hikes on trails and appreciating nature together. Sadly, I had to drop those ties because of bigotry they couldn't resolve, given time and confrontation. It puts a damper on the past, and the separation of a two decade friend group is not something you simply replace with ease. The years pass, and each time it feels like the season is slightly more distant than the last. Perhaps this time it was just severe enough for me to reach a critical point, one where I was just about to let it go entirely. That's not what I want though; it never was. There is a strong urge to fan the flames again, and ultimately I would deeply regret letting things end this way.
So—with the aid of that existential fear—I've spent this past week finally taking some steps to right this problem. I made the drawing at the top of this page, both to express my feelings, and also to actually make some Halloween related art this year. I started wearing my festive clothes, tossed up some indoor lighting, picked up an awesome, heavily discounted cat silhouette, and listened to some spooky albums too! Today, I've decided to write this post to further sort out my feelings, and got some personal candy for Saturday. I've surprisingly managed to knock out basically every task I wanted to on my goals, so I have high hopes for going on a nice Halloween walk on the big day, along with finding some horror movies to marathon, with some candy and popcorn on the side. In just a few days I've been feeling a fair bit better, even if it's mostly just been small things I've been piling onto my itinerary. Life is all about enjoying those little things after all, and they've whisked me away from regret, seemingly all the way back to joy if I let them.
When you're out of spoons and you need to dig, sometimes the only thing you can do is start the hole with your hands. It's a lesson my body seems to make me relearn every so often, and at times it's simply not fair. Sometimes the ground is soft soil, and in others it's as coarse as concrete, but even the smallest holes can lift a lot of weight from your shoulders. I hope you are finding your joy too, and that you have a great Halloween!
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