Reclaiming “Nakkali”
A Nepali word. An adjective used specifically for a female. It can be a term of endearment or one of criticism. And even when it is said affectionately, there is often a tiny bit of judgment tucked inside. In essence, it means someone who is flashy. Someone who does “too much”. It could be the clothes she wears or the jewelry she piles on. It could be the way she talks, the way she draws out her words, the expressions that cross her face, or the way her eyes grow wide and dart around as she tells a story ( if you know me , you know), her gestures .
Those who follow my blog may have read my recent piece about moving back to Nepal from the United States as a teenager. I returned as a girl who wore bold colorful clothes and expressed herself in every way; from her fashion to her mannerisms. My earrings were humongous. My face was expressive. No doubt the “ foreign” way I spoke was noticeable.I wasn’t a loud person, per se. But I also wasn’t afraid to be seen.
I was as confident as a newly minted fourteen-year-old girl could be. And for the first time in my life, I began hearing myself described as nakkali. Sadly, somewhere between the teenage hormones and the transition into a completely different environment, I began to make myself a little less conspicuous. I chose darker hues-the blacks and the blues, the smaller stud earrings, and trying to blend in a little bit more.
The word followed me through the years , as I grew older, evolved, and moved through different phases of my life. Even now, I like to think that I keep things fairly simple. But I suppose that is all relative. I remember having lunch with one of my best friends one day. She is Chic and beautiful. She stacks her jewelry effortlessly, wearing the kinds of clothes I always compliment. She regularly tells me I can borrow anything I want. She is truly a sister from another mother. I told her that, in the past, I would never have worn that much jewelry. Even when I wanted to, I worried it would look like “too much” on me, as though I were trying too hard or starving for attention. She laughed as I explained the meaning of nakkali. Now it has become a running joke between us, and she proudly calls herself nakkali too.
And you know what? As the years have gone by, I have become less and less willing to shrink myself.
Let me be overdressed.
Let me wear the jewelry.
Let me express myself.
Let me be seen.
To be unapologetically myself.
I think society and perhaps especially Asian culture often trains us girls to do the opposite. Be quiet. Be simple. Be pleasant. Be easy. Be compliant. Don’t draw too much attention to yourself. Don’t take up too much space. But decades later, here I am. Wearing the gold jewelry. Wearing the bling. Putting on the makeup. Getting my nails done. Not because these things determine my worth, and certainly not as a declaration to anyone else of my value. I do them because they are a form of expression. A way of taking care of myself. A small, visible celebration of a woman who is finally proud of who she is and no longer afraid to show it.
I have talked to my daughter about this word. We laugh about it, and now we tease each other with it too.But beneath the teasing, I hope she understands what I am really telling her:
It is okay to be expressive.
It is okay to wear the colors, the jewelry, the makeup…or none of it at all.
It is okay to take up space.
It is okay to be seen.
So, my dear friends, I am taking this word once used to make me self conscious and reclaiming it, not only for myself, but for our daughters and for the little girls still living somewhere inside all of us.
It is okay to be nakkali:) 