The year? 2026. A cassette ejected from the VCR player. “And that was the conclusion of our epic anime series, Speed Racer.” The room erupted into applause! July stood at the front of Mr. Crane's poorly lit classroom and watched a dusting of asbestos go into Mabel's Calpico as she gazed sweatily into “Netsuzo Trap” (thanks AskJeeves), while frenshman transfer Madeline played GameBoy Color. There were some other unnamed club members too, playing marbles and jacks, as teens are wont to do. Their friend Nicole, who is here for exactly one line, raised her fat gay hand: “[CLEARING THROAT] what comes between episdodes 5 and 8?”. July replied “6 and 7”. The three of them began snickering and dabbing and juggling their hands, braying 67 67 67! July, exasperated, sat besides the mouse cage and began stoically playing cat's cradle with scarlet twine, as Mabel and Madeline went up to present.

Today we'll be talking about my favorite anime “Boku No Pico Academia: Thrice Upon A Time” said Mabel, “and I'll be presenting on Hamtaro and Naruto!” proudly exclaimed Madeline, Gaulishly.

Down the hallway, something lurched.

July got up in a huff and immediately began arguing with Madeline, the brains of the operation.

“We talked about this last time when you showed us Junjou Romantica, you NEED to select a shonen or isekai from the approved list!!!”

“Shut up. SHUT UP! I already told her it's her favorite, you don't even read anime!”

Faintly, they heard someone scream “breach breach breach” and kicked the door off it's hinges.

“THE SCHOOL RESOURCE OFFICER!” quoth they, big eyedly and bleeding from their nostrils.

“Yes! 'Tis I, Inspector Hercule Puissance!”

“What?”

“He got shot in the head last week confiscating someone's dime bag, just go with it.”

“And I heard the Junior Crime Stoppers are going to help me go on patrol!”

“I'm sorry Inspector Hercule but we're very busy. We have lots of Dragon Tales Z to watch. My mom said if we watch all the episodes and do a group suicide we go to Dragonland and meet Vegeta”.

“Your mother is Correct, but...” just then, Inspector Puissance drew a .44 caliber magnum from his holster and shot the anime club's projector. Acrid gunsmoke filled the air as the children cheered. July sighed deeply and went off on her weekly heroic adventure with The Junior Crime Stoppers, while Mabel and Madeline nervously hid shota magazines and obnoxious candy vapes in their backpacks.

“...And maybe afterwords we can watch your favorite from before your brain got scrambled? You told me your writer friend that passed away showed it to you. It was Princess Jellyfish.” he yanked the VHS away from July, tossed it into the air and shot it – the children cheered!

“And now to solve crimes!”

The cadre moved en masse down the hallway. What crimes are usually committed in a school? Just then, Inspector Puissance detected the smell of marijuana smoke. He activated his X-Ray vision and saw a skeleton smoking in the bathrooms. He breached the bathroom door, took the joint, smoked it all one hit, screamed “JUSTICE!” then pushed Nicole's fat gay ass out the window. Told you it was 1 line.

“Inspector Puissance I don't think the school resource officer is allowed to use deadly force on students for smoking in the bathroom”. “What was that July? You're taking a vacation to Prague?” “STAWP!” JUST THEN, THE POWER CUT OUT, A FLASH OF LIGHTING, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS! OW THUD OW CRACK OUCHIE {SPLAT}

The backup generator turned on. Inspector Puissance stood there with July and Madeline. But where oh where was Mabel? GASP, said July! “Look at that trail of blood! What could have happened?”. Inspector Puissance took out his magnifying glass and pressed his eyeball against it, bent over, and followed the trail down 50 flights of stairs, to find a mangled mess of a corpse at the bottom of the stairs. Madeline ran to the pile of organs and bones, ugly crying. “MABEL? DEAD? NOOOO...!!!”

Worriedly, July approached Inspector Hercule; “Crime is afoot.” “Don't mention feet this early into the story he'll get sidetracked.” “What?” “Nothing, go back to the root menu so we can discuss the case. Hey real quick, can you do a vaguely Asian accent?” “I'm not going to do that detective”. The inspector glanced gallantly at the pile of gore and intestines that Madeline was rolling around in, making out with her friend's severed head as the tongue flopped around limply. “So are we thinking foul play here?” July pressed her fingers into her nose bridge and winced, as though attempting to mitigate a migraine.

“July...did you commit this murder?”

“No. No I did not commit the murder, Inspector.”

Ambiently, four piano notes played to indicate that she was telling the truth. They were both confused and looked to try to see where it had come from, when they were interrupted by maniacal cackling.

“Wrong again, Fash! Twas I, Madeline The Merciless! This was all an elaborate ploy to subvert your yankee pig american way of life! I was sent by the Emperor of Japan to sew discord with the violent imagery and foreign plotlines of anime! Every doujin is another plane in Pearl Harbor! AHAHAHA!” The Inspector unsheathed his saber – “Have at thee, Knave!” She gulped. “Hey look over there!” and after about 30 seconds they both turned to look back.

[UNISON] “Hey where'd she go?”

Epilogue: Julie watched Outlaw Star with The Anime Club undisturbed the next week. The End!