I am a trans woman in my 50s and I have decided to follow and explore my inner slut, which means that I will be using hookup apps to meet men who can use me for sex.
I have always been submissive, even before I knew the word. As a child, I used to have vivid dreams of being prepared by machines, buffed and made up, then displayed naked in a department store window for everybody to see. My submissive feelings came with a lot of shame because of my religious upbringing, and I spent much of my early life in the closet. I occasionally met men for sex, which really cemented my fascination for cocks and my oral fixation.
I came out as a trans woman in my 40s and started to explore the world of kink with newfound confidence and all of those old feelings of shame banished. My kink was centred on bottoming for impact and service submission much more than sex, and I felt like a complete person for the first time.
But my desire for cock and sexual submission remained. I could not work out if that was bad or not – bad as in behaviour driven by childhood trauma that I was remembering and repeating. If so, it would be better if I left it in the past or, at most, sought out some kind of catharsis. I let it be for a number of years.
But, recently, I started to think about the pull I felt towards sexual submission, men and cocks. I decided to try accepting it for a change and set about exploring it properly, rather than letting it surface occasionally in the dim half-light.
So here I am: a dumb, worthless, fat, submissive slut who craves cock, obedience and validation. I don't want to have to think, do hard calculations about risk or be reasonable or conservative about it.
Of course I will take care of myself. I will get regular STI checks and I am planning to start taking PrEP. I will use safe calls and let trusted friends know where I am going to be and when I expect to return. I am going to journal here and on paper, check in with my feelings, review whether my decisions still make sense and so on.
But, beyond that, I plan to say “yes” to myself and to whatever men ask of me.