An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Known Me

An Open Letter to Anyone Who Has Known Me

I have spent most of my life pretending.

Pretending I was okay when I wasn’t. Pretending I was confident when I was terrified. Pretending the business was fine, the relationship was fine, I was fine when underneath all of it I was drowning and too ashamed to ask for a hand.

I am done pretending.

I grew up in a house where I was hurt by the people who were supposed to protect me. I carried that into every room I ever walked into. I carried it into my work, my friendships, my relationships. I became someone who lies not to hurt people but because I was convinced that if anyone truly saw me really saw me they would leave. So I hid. I performed. I became whoever I thought the room needed me to be.

And in doing that I disappointed people who deserved better. People who were right there, reaching for me, loving me as I was and I was too busy being someone I wasn’t to even recognize it.

I am embarrassed about things that are just part of who I am. The way I look. My teeth. My body. My insecurities. I let that embarrassment make me smaller and meaner inside instead of just doing something about it or accepting myself. I cared so much about what strangers thought of me that I neglected the people who actually loved me.

I have been a coward. I have gone on long enough being that person.

But beyond the lying and beyond the cowardice I betrayed two people. The two most important people in my life. I will carry that pain every single day for the rest of my life and I accept that. There are not enough apologies in the world to undo what I did to them. Words are empty now. Only change means anything. And I am praying with everything I have that those two people find it in their hearts to give me one chance to show them who I really am inside. Who I have always been underneath all of this brokenness. They deserve that person. They always did.

I am seeing a psychiatrist. I am in therapy. I am likely going on medication. Not because someone told me to. Because I finally looked in the mirror and decided the person looking back deserved a real life and so did everyone around him.

I don’t care anymore if people want to be my friend or do business with me. The right people — my people will accept me for exactly who I am. Some of you already did. One person in particular loved me through everything, every flaw, every failure, every dark moment and I was too lost in my own performance to fully receive it. I know that now.

I am starting a new journey. A real one.

If you have something to say to me something honest, something hard, something you’ve been holding back because you didn’t think I could handle it reach out. I mean that. This isn’t about telling me everything is going to be okay. This is about being real. I can handle real now.

I am ready.

— Daniel

danielk@outlook.com