I wonder what it's like to grow up with 2 parents in the home that love you. I wonder what my life would be like if I was not an only child. I wonder what it would be like if I was good at sports instead of being bullied because I was smart. I wonder what I would be like if I was born in white society instead of broken home black society. I wonder what it's like if I actually felt part of a community instead of an add on. I wonder what it's like to actually enjoy high school instead of forgetting most of it. I wonder what its like to actually enjoy college instead of forgetting all of it.
I wonder what its like to not be depressed or traumatized.
I wonder what it's like to actually want to be part of a fraternity.
I wonder what it's like to have a normal first time girlfriend experience. I wonder what its like to not be yelled at or considered an enemy by your girlfriend's fathers. I wonder what its like to actually be on the same page with someone instead of being misunderstood.
I wonder what its like to be physically attractive and not have wake energy that pushes everyone away so you are lone because you are fucked up.
I wonder what its like to consistently have positive thoughts.
I wonder what its like to not have to be your own cheerleader to get things done. (My inner cheerleader passed out. I got tired of rooting for myself today.)
I wonder what my life would be like if i could go back in time and just change random shit for fun.
I wonder what its like to leave your house and not have anxiety that society will disappoint you.
I wonder what its like to not have an insufferable mother. I wonder what its like to actually find your partner that truly cares for you in your late 20s like everyone else. To build something from nothing. To come out better. I wish i knew how to spot a narcissist sooner. I wonder what its like to talk to people knowing that they won't expect anything from you in return.
I wonder what its like to actually want to be around people outside of the internet.
I wonder what it's like to have someone you can accomplish goals and dreams with, and work with.
I wonder what its like to be educated about finances so you don't make dumb decisions.
I wonder what it's like to have a family.
I wonder what life would be like if I could find moments in the now that don't feel like I'm fighting my own inner demons.
I wonder what its like to value people, relationships, and family over porn. I wonder what its like to have people, relationships, and family that actually pour into you so you don't shun their very existence for porn.
I wonder what it's like to wake up and not be triggered by couples, families, other people that live in situations you think are totally shitty and backwards but they are happy and fine.
Some days I wonder why I choose to stay here. Some days I wonder why I think dark things. Some days I wonder what it would be like to totally let go. I wonder what it's like to be alive and not dead on the inside. I wonder what it's like to not have to constantly remind yourself to stay alive.