Aiesha is Lonely
Aiesha sat in her quiet apartment, the whir of the air conditioner and the sounds of the city provided a constant background. She sat in front of her desktop computer, legs spread wide. She was naked, all but her glasses and her curly hair tied back in a bun. She was currently masturbating watching pornography. This was her daily routine without fail.
Today, the audio was low, partly because she didn't want her neighbors to hear, but mostly today, she just wasn't feeling the constraint of her headphones. Fatigued from her call center job, wearing headphones for hours at home just felt out of the question today. In fact now, wearing anything was a burden most days.
Every day of the week, Aiesha went work, talked to strangers, and just checked out mentally until she was needed. She was the manager of a technology call center. Years of help-desk tickets and high scores lead her to the natural path of managing a small army of college graduates trying to get by and meet their numbers to pay off their student loans.
It wasn't glamorous, but it kept the bills paid even if it was almost paycheck to paycheck for her. That's part of the reason why she stayed home with porn. There wasn't much left in her budget worth doing.
She didn't keep up with her old friends. They all had long lasting relationships that all grew into secure marriages and loving homes. Then she lost touch entirely. Half by choice. Other half by circumstance.
Right now, she had no boyfriend or family close by for any real support. Honestly, everything was on her to maintain and figure out. So out of survival, she learned to thrive in isolation, she preferred it that way. She's been through enough.
Her past was a war zone of social and psychological traumas she dare never visit again, no matter how lonely she might be. At least she wasn't triggered or reminded about her past and all the things that went so terribly wrong. At least now she can fuck her dildo harder and it all goes away if she just focuses more on screens with porn playing nonstop.
She had almost no interest in dating anymore. Her last two dates proved one thing. After you turn 40, shit is pretty damn abysmal. Everyone is traumatized, fake, and out of tune with their actions and intentions. She didn't have time for that anymore. Every time she went out to go on an empty date, she regretted not staying home with her toys lost in pleasure.
She realized one fundamental truth. Porn was a better boyfriend. In fact, porn was better than her ex-husband.
A few years ago, Aiehsa was married. It didn't last long. Her first major mistake was she settled. The social pressure from her friends didn't make it any easier. So she listened to them, hoping for the best.
Daniel felt secure enough. He had a job and a small amount of financial security. His ambitions and bad jokes sometimes made her smile. He seemed safer than what she had dealt with in the past. That's what she told herself. Initially, he was dependable, charming, and caring. But after the wedding, things began to change dramatically. And then they went nuclear.
She still remembered after a few months, she started running herself ragged, pretending everything was okay in the marriage. It wasn't. It's as if a switch flipped once they moved in together. Things slowly escalated. The fights started, then got worse, and then he hit her.
That very night, Aiesha didn't hesitate to set her exit strategy in motion.
Being the calculated person she was, Aiesha didn't react when it happened. Of course it hurt her, of course it frightened her. But that wasn't the time to fall apart. Not yet.
She didn't cry. She didn't retaliate; in fact she just locked eyes with him, rubbed her face to make sure there was no blood, and started cleaning again in pure silence. Daniel stood there remorseful, expecting some kind of backlash or some kind of reaction. Aiesha just cleaned in silence. In her mind, the marriage was over. There was no fixing this, her mind was already made up. She just needed a few more steps to be ready.
Every day after that, when Daniel was at work, she used her vacation days to set up her new apartment. She would get dressed, pretend to go to work, grab some breakfast, shed a tear and prepare for her move out. Daniel had a business trip that weekend and the timing was perfect.
She maintained appearances, still silent, moving things he didn't notice, leaving things that didn't matter anymore. Still getting dressed for work like she always did. He didn't know she was spending those 8 hours doing something else. At home, she completely ignored Daniel. After Wednesday he stopped trying to initiate a conversation. Aiesha slept in the guest bedroom.
On Friday, Daniel went on his business trip. Once he texted that he was on the plane, she marked his message as 'read' and picked up her moving truck. Moving alone was her thing. She never bought anything she couldn't move or carry by herself. She had always been hyper-independent. It's a shame she had to use that skill again.
By Sunday evening she finished moving into her new apartment. She left his keys on the kitchen counter, forfeiting the house and their down payment they saved together. A small note saying “It's over.” was left out in the open for him to find.
She locked the door behind her, blocked everyone on her phone that didn't matter anymore, deleted most of her social media, and nuked her savings to pay for a lawyer. She wanted to get this over quickly.
This is also why she never kept up with her friends. They pushed her into this situation. She blamed them for telling her to ignore her gut instincts. Telling her to get married like everyone else in their 30s. They were all blocked now. She wanted a fresh start.
She really thought she had made it, she finally integrated. Finally was winning at life. But she did it for status and because that's what she was told to do, and she paid dearly for it. People were no longer safe. All of them.
Her divorce was finalized in less than a month.
Daniel didn't fight her. She did bare minimum contact to get the legal paperwork done. He was completely blocked soon after. She changed her number and shortly after legally changed her name back to reclaim everything.
The day she got the papers, she felt a weight lift off of her. That same night, she unpacked her last box, finished decorating her apartment. She stood proud. Accomplished. She had closed a chapter.
Suddenly, wave of emotion crashed over her. She collapsed to her knees, curled up in a ball and cried. She never gave herself a chance to process her emotions and what she had gone through... She just had to push through until the divorce was done. The battle was over and the mind finally got the memo from her broken heart.
As she curled and sobbed, her hands roamed her body for comfort. She always did that, for as long as she remembered when she was said. It was something like giving herself a hug. But this was different this time.
She wanted to touch herself, feel bare skin, feel warmth and comfort, not fabric. Through her tears, her hands roamed around, going under her shirt, under her bra, holding her nipples, another hand going down under her panties.
She didn't fight the urge to touch herself. It felt good.
She had not masturbated or done anything sexual for months because of the constant stress before the incident. Even though she was totally out of it, she was equally horny now that she was alone.
Now there was a dull aching call to action for comfort coming from between her legs. She wanted more.
Aiesha took her clothes off, and felt relief almost immediately. Her hands now free to roam her brown naked body. The euphoric rush of stripping hit different. Like it was something new. Something transformative.
Almost immediately, she decided to go back to her old comfort. Something she missed more than anything else. Something would always see her through the dark times. Pornography.
She quit watching porn when she started dating Daniel, thinking she could put it aside to be present for her partner. Thinking he would be everything she needed, she thought she wouldn't have to worry about porn anymore. She regretted it after she moved in with him.
She used to have terabytes of porn saved; she had her own little digital shrine that she quietly deleted. It was curated, documented, and treasured. Everything she collected back then, she had watched and rubbed through at least once. She had many orgasms and many memories. She had that collection since she graduated college, and it was her secret hobby for so long. And she gave it all up for Daniel. She gave up a piece of herself for him.
She wiped the hard drives and sold them for extra cash thinking that chapter in her life was over. Secretly, she missed collecting porn. So many videos lost to time that were no longer online anymore. Not again.
The urge felt different now.
She got up, wiped away her tears, and walked to her computer desk. Leaving her clothes where they were, she sat in front of her PC, settling into her familiar office chair. One hand rested on her throbbing womanhood, still damp from her tears, while the other hand gripped her mouse.
She pulled her old porn sites and bookmarks from backups. They welcomed her home. A tiny time capsule of simpler times before Daniel. She lost hours to the screens before. She decided to do it all again.
“No more,” The thought to herself. “I'm not quitting porn ever again.”
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