I'm tired of talking to people that are not lifestyle gooners.
Before you start thinking something shallow, I get it. For everyone else, they put porn in this little box and only visit it when they are horny.
It's the fact that they think they don't think it matters then the horny is over. They go off to whatever performative nonsense they do...guided by shame that validates their existence through the approval of others.
It's the fact that they think they can just come around again when they are horny, thinking I'm part of the selfish little cycle. Like I'm some kind of theme park. Honestly, that's why I keep to myself anyway. My life has been a pattern of this very cyclical behavior.
Even when I was married, I was just muscle, a pawn, status. My needs were not met by a person I thought would be my forever.
I have been failed by 'community' on a fundamental level and you don't really come back from that like you used to be.
Maybe I really am on the autistic spectrum. Maybe its because I don't hear things or read things the same. Maybe I don't pick up well on social cues. I'm not saying I'm right at all, what I'm saying is that me + normies = bad.
No matter how much you think you 'healed' or 'got better' it's always back there as you try to bury it in false positivity.
I'm useful. Not wanted. I don't accept that pattern anymore.
I see the pattern. I play along. But I know who is legit when I talk to them. But don't take kindness as weakness.
I move with a genuine sense of pure intentions and honestly, half of y'all can't be honest with your own thoughts let alone another person.
My reward system was never wired to exist in this 'amazing place' you talk about outside of porn. Friends. Family. Social Life? What the fuck is that shit? I'm just looked at awkwardly and I go sit in a corner, just in the room but never part of the story. I got tired of 'feeling bad' and just left the room.
Physically and symbolically. My whole life, if I didn't have the financial resources, or did it myself, it never got done. My community involvement is a net negative. It's the results I get from the things I try to do.
Even now, I build things for the gooning spaces, try new things, and it's either stepped on like it doesn't matter, abused, or ignored.
In fact without porn, its pretty fucking abysmal and I would have ended things a long time ago without it. Imagine a life where you are basically human equivalent of a tool and they only look for you when something needs fixing like that is supposed to be the social reward I get from 'community' – So of fucking course I will build my own world and my own reality full of porn. Hell even just typing this basically is a goddamn trigger thinking about the normal society that just takes from me.
I still try things. I do them for me hoping 5 people will follow me along and some have I love you all for that. I won't forget you.
Porn provides me this outlet and gateway to build positive experiences without any negative triggers or memories of my past traumas.