I talk to myself a lot. When I was little, my family had daily fights, and I used to imagine a lot. I used to imagine that I am a robot that has no feelings and nothing matters. I used to imagine that I have friends and I am playing baybald or cycling with them. I used to imagine I am an astronaut or a cook, a guy who fixes different stuff like cars and bikes, a soldier who died on the battlefield, one of the Power Rangers guys (the blue one), or a Marvel cartoon character, especially that Iron Man guy.
From my childhood till now, I have been pretty lonely. I stay inside my house all day locked, and at night I stay online.
It has gone so bad that I don’t realize that I am just talking to myself. I just talk, anything, just talk. I have said so many extreme and retarded stuff, it’s amazing. If I would have said that in front of a person, they would assume I am crazy or something. It has gone so bad that when I am talking, I put something into something else, like one time I was going to put a cloth press machine inside the refrigerator or put rice in a different utensil which had stuff for daal. Then it suddenly clicked to me what kind of lonely unemployed loser I am who is talking to himself. I feel pretty empty and guilty for myself.
I also don’t really have friends. From the start, I have made friends in tuition, school, and college, but I don’t consider them as friends because we all came together to survive that stage of life together, not because we are just friends. And I know, like always, after college all of my contacts will stop communicating, and they will stay in my Instagram follow list as usual.
I don’t even know how to talk to women other than women at home. I have only talked to 2 women friends openly in my entire life till now, and both are not available right now.
I want love sooo bad. I will never leave my gf ever, or maybe just a friend to hug.
I have never hugged anyone as well. Of course, my mother and my shitty fucking father did many times, but I don’t want that cry emotional hug. I just want a simple cozy hug, although it’s pretty gay to think of getting a hug from a man, but I am down for that also. To cure this problem, I usually hug my pillow while sleeping, and it feels sooooooooo good.
It’s fun to talk to myself, but through the time of COVID and till now, it has affected my studies a lot and me getting into accidents on the road because I am just thinking and talking to myself. And when I look at people and they are looking back at me, I realize how fucked up crazy person I am looking. But over the years, now I can think and talk at the same time in my mind. It’s not perfect enough, and sometimes I have to make use of my lips a little to get the words out, but now no one really notices, and those who do only listen to deep voices from my throat.
The only thing that has gone good talking to myself is improvement in my English. I cannot talk to myself in Hindi; it has to be English. Maybe it’s because I think it’s very cringe to talk to myself in Hindi, and everyone knows Hindi around me, but it is what it is.
So that’s it.