I don't know how to start this or why tf I am writing this, but I am really, fucking really tired of my fucking life. When I was a baby, I was in my mother’s vagina. That’s what the books and porn taught me, and I remember seeing a light blue light. It was pretty peaceful, but then as I grew up, I started seeing fights between mother and father and both families. My father was a gambler, not the one who bets online on cricket etc., but the one who goes to junk areas. He was also a tobacco or tambaku addict, and used to hide packets of that stuff under the old TV, which used to work after a few slaps, or in lockers, while mother used to have fights with him and I, as usual, quietly sat in the corner watching the whole drama of slaps, father, and specially grandfather throwing their heads on walls and floor, and eventually after a lot of abusive word usage they all cried and hugged and happy ending.
I HATED those hugs. They were always sooo awkward, and all the tears used to make my shirt dirty. Slowly, slowly, over time, stuff from the house started disappearing. Eventually, the TV, that was the only happiness of mine, was also gone, and we also used to steal electricity from the above flat for a few hours till the inverter got recharged and then change it back. It used to make me personally feel pretty humiliated and felt wrong because that above kid was a very close friend of mine. It felt like cheating. Not only this, people used to come to the house asking for money almost every day. Sometimes when I was alone, I used to get very afraid of opening the wood door and confronting the guy. Sometimes my mother used to send me to say no one is at home, come later.
Anyways, in the meantime from 1st to 6th, I changed a lot of schools. My father always wanted me to go to private schools, even though he did not have money for that, not because govt schools are bad at providing education (they are not, btw), but because his reputation would get hurt. He was hoping that I pass the exam that these schools do and I would get a discount on fees, but because I did not have interest in education and I never taught myself at home, I did not pass any of them. On the other hand, he got his money wasted on making me give the exam. Then finally, after a lot of argument, I got into a small unknown govt school, and it was the best school ever of my life. The teachers were very sweet and unlike private school, where I used to be put for hours in a room because my parents did not pay the fee, they never taught anything. This one taught me life lessons, pen fights, a lot of friends, freedom, fun, and for the first time I liked education. I ate the whole science book, and that EVS teacher was the best teacher and woman I ever met. I made 2 very close friends in my rich school and other rich school as well, but I can never compare them to the govt one. Meanwhile, there was a lot of back and forth in house. I used to sometimes live in my father house and sometimes in my mama or my mother’s brother house, while I was quiet most of my life. Although it’s cringe, I developed imaginary people in my head and I just talked to myself a lot, LIKE A LOT. When I was learning, watching TV, bathing, pooping, walking alone, I was just talking to myself, and I loved it. Talking to myself felt like home.
I remember in 1 of the rich schools I by mistake punched a guy at dance class and his nose started to bleed. That was the first time I felt fear. My hands shook for the first time, whole body wet, and I was sooo stressed I started to mumble to myself and talk like crazy. I felt like that homeless guy who I see talking to himself and felt weird. After going to a lot of empty corporate-style rooms and saying the same thing, they finally left me, although afterwards I said sorry to the guy and he said his nose is sensitive and it has happened a lot before. Ngl, I could hear my heartbeat throughout the body and in ears + the heat coming out of body was crazy and that heavy line in throat when you try to stop crying was diabolical. I also had many crushes till 5th, and whenever I was around them it felt like heaven.
Now I am in 6th class in a semi-government school. My parents hopefully are divorced, and I am living with my mother at her brother's house. I grew close to his family, and that was the best time of my fucking life. I grew more close to education and fully invested in it. I also got many good friends there in the area of the house as well as in school. I had crushes on women before, but this time was diff. I felt something diff in me, and I had a lot of crushes in that time. I had a lot of fun in that time also. I did not make any gf, but I finally made a girl friend for the first time, not temporary, permanent. Everything was going perfect. Everything felt smooth. I was praised by teachers. I was 3rd or 4th in my class. From 6th to 8th everything was perfect. When I came in that school for the first time in 6th, I remember it was Sanskrit teacher class and I was asking what has happened till now in sem in the class because of my father I had to leave my previous school mid-way. I was supposed to be in 7th, but because after taking my test the staff there decided to put me in 6th class, and thank god they did it, otherwise I would not have been able to see those baddies. 7th class girls at that time were pretty generic, so I was in the class and she noticed and made me write something on the board, and I did not know that lang of course, so I just stared in her eyes because I was afraid of stages and people looking at me. I was in stress and sweat and out of nowhere a slap came on my cheeks. That slap made my mind on position tbh. If that slap had not been given to me, I would have never studied so focusly. Anyways, I could feel that slap’s heat on the lining of my ears and cheeks. I was on the brink of cry but because everyone and crush was watching, I had to control. Eventually instead of the girl I had crush on in my class, I started to have crush on that ugly bitch full of pimples on the face. I was talking to her whatever I had in my mind and I think that was the reason I chose her, but because I was a fearful person, I never told her that. Also because this got leaked, I had crush on my crush in my entire class that I felt fear and embarrassed. If that ugly girl was not there to talk to, idk what would I have done. I was a very quiet kid in the class. Everyone in my group was pretty innocent, but eventually as the class number went up, so did our innocence go down.
Also in this time I was watching and learning about coding and hacking through YT on Android. I know it was a shit idea, but it is what it is. Also there were very good teachers that helped me in this journey, like SST, many eng mans, and specially every science and maths one etc... That math one who wore a saari every day was my fav. And I also had a crush on both science teachers.
I can't write anymore. The more I am writing, the more I am remembering all the past stuff. I just don't want to write. I did not even realize I was taking short breaths while writing this. I just don't want to write.
Enough.